Each year, whether you know it or not, your privacy is destroyed. There is a man who has been caught breaking into billions of homes, stealing your nourishment and trying to leave small unwanted knickknacks. Victims slave over the stove for countless hours and the “jolly” old geezer leaves trinkets not worthy to be used as compensation. When seen, he was said to be wearing a red jumpsuit and a pair of large black boots along with black leather gloves to hide his fingerprints. The suspect is reportedly an older gentleman who has a beard similar to the likes of a ZZ Top band member. He is supposedly stalky and robust from eating a diet of victim’s cookies. Officer Jacquelyn Froste reports, “He rides by horse and buggy so that he can’t be tracked by license plate. This cookie bandit must be stopped.” The nature of his crimes is heinous. “He gone and stoled my cookies, and alls he left was this wooden train whistle under my mommy’s ficus,” 5 year-old Sophie Wells said. “I’m allergic to wood, and I ain’t even got no milk to drown my sadness. He took that too,” Wells said while weeping into her mother’s arms. Sophie’s mother, Theresa Wells, said, “That man stole my child’s snack food and innocence. All I heard that night was a man’s voice repeatedly calling me an inappropriate name from the living room.” Police report that the man in question is Mr. Chris Cringle, also known on the street as “Santa Claws.” Please report any information on Cringle’s whereabouts to your local police department; children’s happiness depends on his immediate capture.